To my first baby as you start school…

To My First Baby As You Start School

To my firstborn. I can’t believe it’s already time for you to start school. It’s certainly hard for my mama heart to send you out into the world without me for the very first time. But, I must.

I’m nervous although I won’t show you…

Your First First

After you were first born, it seems like just yesterday – now four years has passed, I took you to your very first doctor’s appointment. I remember this day so distinctly and I think about it often.

Your grandmother and I loaded up the car with three bags full of supplies (we carried all three of them in with us too)! We drove the twenty minute drive to the small town where you were born. You cried along the way.

We carefully took you out of the car and into the old building. I was full of emotion and postpartum hormones. When it was our turn they called your name. We got up and gathered all three bags and proceeded to the door. Once back into the small hallway the nurse instructed me to place your tiny body onto the scale. She stretched out a measuring tape alongside of you, measured the length of your body, and then wrapped the measuring tape around your head. You were growing perfectly.

Next, we were taken into the room where you would have your very first doctor’s appointment. Just the thought of this first experience for you brought tears to my eyes. When the doctor came through the door and the appointment began it was also a first for me. It was the first time I would speak for you at the doctor. A task which at the time in my postpartum haze, seemed very monumental. I couldn’t keep the tears back anymore. I tried to discretely wipe them from my cheeks – but she saw.

I’ll Never Forget When…

I’ll never forget when she looked me in the eyes and said, “you’re going to cry when he goes to school.”

That one simple sentence has played over and over in my mind many times since that day.

It felt like she looked down into the depths of my soul. Somehow she just knew that releasing you out into the world on your own would break my heart into tiny pieces while also filling me with such great pride.

I Will Cry

The truth is that she was right, I will cry, but (I hope) I won’t ever show you.

It’s hard to comprehend how I can be filled with so much pride and so much grief at the same time. I am so sad to see your baby years go…

As the day approaches, we will pick out your “very first first day of school” outfit. We will pack your Buzz Lightyear backpack and decide what you will eat for lunch and snack. And that last night before your first day I will hold you a little tighter as I tuck you into bed.

When the time comes for me to send you out into the world on your very first day of school I will show you a brave and excited face. I will hug you and tell you how much I love you and just how proud I am. Then, I will take your picture holding your brand new chalkboard sign to document the occasion. Your smiling face will be plastered across every one of my social feeds. But letting you go will be so hard.

I know as I turn to look at your smiling face one last time before this first I will feel the sensation of those same tears return. Once again I will hold them back as I did that summer afternoon. If any tears disobey I will quickly wipe them from my cheeks before you have a chance to see. I will wave to you one last time as I peek through the door of your classroom. I will struggle to keep it together as we begin to walk away.

And when I exit the building on that very first day – I will cry.

I will probably cry the entire way home, and count the minutes until I retrieve you.

My firstborn, you see, the doctor was right. I will cry. But it’s only because I love you so much. I am so incredibly proud of you and thankful to be your mommy! Have a great year my sweet boy! You’re going to do AMAZING things!

Love,

Mom